Sorry I haven't been in touch...

I promise I will write a full entry once we have done the last show, I have so much to talk about but very little time to actually type it in here. Check back in a few days and I will bring you up to speed!

The Rage of a Privileged Class

I find myself troubled today. My husband had a very unfortunate incident of racial hatred a few days ago and it has hammered home some terrible truths that I was previously afraid to believe – or in denial about. Without getting into details, he was run off the road and called racial epithets by a subcontractor of the city where we live. In fact, the individual who did this is working on the street right in front of our apartment. He has sought resolution from our local police and from the city but it appears that he is just supposed to get over it. I cannot help but think that things would be different if my husband were White and the person who did these things was Black. I find myself wondering if things will ever change. If you ever saw the movie “Ragtime” you would understand the true danger of allowing these behaviors to be found acceptable. In “Ragtime” there is a black male character who is very excited to have his brand new automobile, and some Whites decide that he needs to be taken down a notch, so they defecate on his car seat. When he goes to the police, they just tell him to wipe it off. This is basically what the police told my husband to do. Why is this acceptable? How is 2008 any different than 1968 in this regard?

I have had conversations with many White persons who basically have told me that we Blacks should be grateful for what we have – affirmative action, the right to vote, etc. – and that we have it better than we ever have. I am not so sure about that. I think that racism and prejudice are just more insidious now, not gone. I really don’t know what to do at this point. I told my husband that I’m not sure about putting roots down in a neighborhood where our rights won’t even be protected. I find that it’s hard to have an open heart right now, all I really feel is angry. No, actually, enraged. The worst part about this rage is that the majority of people that read this probably won’t understand why, and I can’t explain it to you. I just know that many Black people were beaten, tortured or killed just because they wanted the same rights as everyone else, and that 40 years later, I still don’t see where things any different.

The Reviews Are In...

I think on the whole our reviews have been pretty positive. I promised myself that I wouldn't read them, but somehow curiosity got the better of me. I think I have Hair to thank for my new perspective and general mellowness when I read them. It became clear to me that reviews really are just that one person's opinion, and we are all entitled to have own, right? So why get upset about any part of it? The only truth that matters is our own anyway. I know in my heart that what the Tribe is doing is 100% real, honest and fun. We have each tried to embody the spirit of the work every time we have stepped onstage. That is all that there is, all that means something.

I am so pleased to be a part of this. I don't know how my other tribemates feel, but I have been looking forward to getting back to the show this week. I'm sure I'll be ready for a break on Saturday, but I still feel like this is such a gift to be involved with. Art should transform, both its audiences and its creators. I really feel the transformation is working on all of us involved with Hair -- cast, crew and audience. I am glad that we still have so many shows left to share with the world. If you haven't been, please come see the show, and if you have already seen it, come see it again! See you there!

I don't feel very well....

I am sick. I seem to have picked up a cold that I have been fighting for the last few days. Both Friday and Saturday performances were sub-par for me because I could feel my throat closing up, and my asthma was terrible. I am currently at home trying to take care of myself, and happened to be flipping the channels and came across a show on HDNet. The show is “3 Mo Divas”, and it is a black female version of the Three Tenors, and they cover all styles from opera, to pop, to Broadway. It is great show, and I remember reading about the auditions last year and was too chicken to go try out for the show. I can’t help but kick myself just a little (okay, a lot), because the diva who was just on stage sang one of my favorite show-stopping songs from “Wicked”. Not only that, but the idea of doing a show that encompasses all styles is so appealing to me and definitely on my dream performance list. All I could think as I listened was “Why am I not doing something like this right now?”

If Charles were here he would tell me to stop beating myself up for sure, especially after the great experience I have had this week with “Hair”. I do pretty well most of the time, I try to be content for where I’m at and not to always be looking out to where I want to be, but when I see performers doing exactly what I wish I was stepping up to do, it’s hard. I am such a late bloomer artistically, I feel like I’m just so far behind in becoming the artist I want to be.

I really need to take my art more seriously than I do. The only thing has prevented me from being more successful thus far is my lack of focused effort to refine my craft. When I see fine performances it really makes me put my own actions under a microscope and I am finding them lacking. It's worse when I see people doing exactly what I wish I could do. Right now I could easily throw a brick through the television, but I’ll settle for changing the channel instead.

Clearly I am in the mood to wallow in self-pity for a while, so I think I will stop before it gets worse. I will post later when I’m feeling better.

Every Night Will Be Different

We have two performances under our belt. I think that we have definitely created a show that will move people if they let it. I wasn't sure how it would be received because it is just so different than anything I've ever experienced. It is a wonderful piece of work, and I am so glad that I get to be a part of it. I was talking with my husband the other night and I said that it hard to go back to my day job because it feels like my real work is being done during Hair.

Being a part of Hair is also starting to change me in small ways. I have already written on this blog about how liberating it was to do the nude scene, but I have noticed that my thoughts are changing, my perspective is expanding in certain aspects. I am really gaining a sense of who I am and where I fit in this world.

We go out and mingle with the audience prior to the start of the show. This is a little disconcerting for the audience because the "fourth wall" is just such a huge part of live theater. I have noticed that many members of the audience like to play along with us, and seem to like being welcomed by us, but there are also other members who don't want to. It is a very hard thing to go be happy and joyful and vulnerable to a whole room of people, some of which may not want anything to do with you, or may just want to be amused at your expense, or make fun of you, or whatever. I was gifted today with an expanded perception of what exactly it is that we are doing. We are baring our deepest selves to an audience and asking them to make changes for the betterment of us all.

I have read about how we all share a common consciousness and that the truth of our existence is that we are all one, but I have not ever had a practical experience of this truth until Hair. We go from being friendly strangers with an audience to integrating them into our family, making them part of our Tribe. When we sing our final song to the audience, I feel the connections that we are creating, I can almost see the energy that we are sending into the audience. We are creating magic every night, and I just wish that as many people as possible will come experience it.

I think that the bonds between the Tribe members are strengthening as well. We spend so much time together -- it is so great that we all can get along. I know that what we have is not the usual experience of actors working on a show, usually there are people that don't get along with everyone else, blah blah blah. But we really actually like each other and we have spent time with each other away from the theatre. I also really like that we have group warm-ups together, led by Todd (Claude). They help ground everyone and sharpen their focus for the task at hand.

I don't have too much else to say right now, I'm just waiting for my laundry to get done and wanted to jot something down quick. It'll be time to go to the theater soon, and reach some more people. What a joy it is, what a pleasure, what a gift. I hope I'll see you there?

On With the Groovy Revolution, Night One!

Here we are, opening night at last! I feel a mixture of excitement and apprehension as we get closer and closer to go time. I really just wanted to post something before the roller coaster ride starts. I thought that once we were out of rehearsal, the hard part was done. I realize now, looking back, that it has only just begun.

It has taken a lot of work and effort to create this experience, but it's going to be harder to share it night after night. I mean, this show is DRAINING! Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. In order for it to be a real, true experience for the audience, it has to be real and true for us. Scott explained to us early on that we really shouldn't look like actors acting. We have to be a real tribe, and be genuine. I have found that in striving to achieve this, I am completely exhausted at the end of the evening.

But I am not sorry for signing up for it. I can't wait to see how the audiences receive this -- it was hard for me to get a grip on what exactly we were doing, when we first started -- I think that this will be like a full sensory immersion into the culture of the 1960's. I really hope that tonight is the start of something wonderful and unforgettable. I am sure it will be. I'll check in with you later.

Before Cue-To-Cue

I just have a little bit of time before our rehearsal today. I am at Oak Knoll Park in Clayton, which is one of the loveliest small parks that I have ever been in. It has this beautiful fountain in the middle of its pond and is surrounded by benches where one can just sit and relax. It is a beautiful day and many people have been drawn here to do just that. I see people walking dogs and just enjoying themselves. It seems that days like this one put people in better moods; every person who I have passed by has smiled and greeted me, which is a rarity in these times.

I have been thinking about “Abie Baby” and the “Lincoln” mini-monologue since the last rehearsal. I have been feeling like I haven’t really gotten the knack of it just yet. I couldn’t understand its context in the middle of the Trip, but I think I’m getting a better idea of it now. When I listen to the words “our forefathers” I already see the irony of this, because it wasn’t really all our forefathers, it was the White ones, and the real joke is that “all men are created equal” because during much of the 19th century, there were many efforts to scientifically and empirically illustrate that Blacks were not fully human and therefore not entitled to basic human rights.

I had a great conversation with Scott the other day about racism. I really feel that “Abie Baby” encapsulates the dilemma of integrating the Black person into society and illuminating the real reason why racism and segregation prevailed more than one hundred years after the abolishing of slavery. I am not sure where else in history a whole race of slaves was suddenly given freedom and (supposed) equal rights. The slave mentality persisted for Blacks even after they were freed, indeed many continued to work for their masters after they found out they were free. I cannot imagine how disorienting it was to suddenly be thrust out on one’s own, after being trained for generations that one was nothing more than property.

“Abie Baby” to me, is rage masquerading as tomfoolery. We are singing as if we are minstrels, playing to all the stereotypes, but really there is a fine undertone beneath the lyrics that says “what are you gonna do with us now? We’re not your slaves anymore, thank you Mr. Lincoln for freeing us, now what?” The parodying of Abraham Lincoln is really just putting a fine point on it. ‘Of course we are grateful, Massa Lincoln. You made us free, but we are still slaves in the eyes of this country. Thanks so much‘. This is a lot to try and get across in one song and a little bit of dialogue, but I feel like I have a better grasp on it. I know I could go on for hours about this, but I really have to stop -- I don’t want to rant and rave about it right now.

Suffice it to say that Hair has really made me think a lot about racism and how we still are struggling with the same things that our parents and grandparents struggled with then. I don’t know how much more racial understanding there is now versus then. I still get followed around in certain stores, my husband has had women clutching their purses when they walk by him. Maybe people aren’t still calling us “niggers” to our face, but there are more insidious stereotypes now more than ever. Racial profiling by the police, steering in real estate (I have actually had real estate agents ask me why would someone like me want to live in a certain area, wouldn’t I like another area better?). Tribe members, if you read this, let me know what you think about it. My views are only based on my experiences, what are yours? Let’s talk about it.

Rick-Rolled and Naked at Last

I apologize for not updating this blog sooner. Scott has given us gentle reminders that we need to keep our entries current, but it has been difficult to find the time to sit down for long enough to record any coherent thoughts about anything. So, this may be a long one for you, Gentle Reader. Stick it out as long as you can, because I have a lot on my mind and I’m ready to share it with you.

We are now in the final stages of rehearsals for Hair. We open in just about two weeks (okay, 13 days), and it has been such a huge amount of work in a short time. We built the sets and started painting over the course of two days and we’ll be finishing it this weekend. It is going to look so completely cool. I pitched in as much as I could during the “build-in”. I got to draw these flowers all over the floor and also on foam cutouts, which I then got to attack with a jigsaw. I think I am now “Jigsaw Certified”, I could probably cut out dodecahedrons with utter skill and panache. I am looking forward to showing Charles every single thing on the set that I had a hand in creating, like a kindergartner on Parent’s Day. I also got to listen to way more 60’s music than I ever heard in my life. Todd was both enthusiastic and encouraging as we created his vision of the set -- he was a real joy to work with for my first experience of the “tech” side of theater.

It has also been wonderful to spend time hanging out with the tribe outside of rehearsals. Even though we see each other for so much of the week, I think it’s cool that we can still go chill out together too. After the Saturday build-in Zak offered to make us all dinner so we went over and had a fantastic meal. This is really the sense of community that I was looking for. I like to be around people who are artistic and unafraid to be themselves. I have become increasingly aware of the dual nature that is required of me in balancing work with art as this production progresses. I am a different person out of necessity in my work environment. I don’t mean a different personality, but rather a modified persona. It’s funny, when I started this job I thought that it wouldn’t change me, that I would still be myself. Now that I am involved in the theatre, I see that work is a role just like anything else. This is a very important concept for my personal well-being: I am not defined by my job. I have Hair to thank for helping me to realize that.

I have to give a special shout-out to Aaron. We went out on Wednesday to karaoke at Corwin’s, which was just great. Basically it was New Line Takes Over Karaoke Night. We just sang what we wanted to and supported each other with lots of cheering and shouting and some boob-flashing (thanks Ryan). Aaron introduced us to “Rick-Rolling”, which was his spot-on impression of Rick Astley singing “Never Gonna Give You Up”. Not only was it incredibly hilarious, but the DJ running the karaoke night actually recorded it and emailed it to Aaron, who distributed it to all of us. I want to do something fun with it, but I'm not sure what just yet.

Now Thursday was a big deal night for me because I made that my deadline for Naked or Not. When I auditioned for Hair I knew that I wanted to at least try taking off my clothes. No big deal, I told myself all through rehearsals, and really just tried not to think about it. Scott had told us that by Thursday we really needed to decide if we were going to be doing it or not. I talked again with my husband about it earlier this week, because I felt like in addition to my own issues with nudity, I was getting everyone else’s issues with it too. People would tell Charles to tell me to keep my clothes on, or ask him, “she’s not going to do the nude part, right?”.

It was then that I realized how brainwashed we all are about our own bodies. In America, one can turn on the television and see depraved acts of violence and psychological torture for entertainment (Hostel, Saw, Wolf Creek, anyone?), but nudity or sex? No way. We have such a shame about sex and about our bodies. As women, we are bombarded with messages from all forms of media that we are not thin enough, our breasts are not big enough (or too big), our hair is too long (or too short), our hair is too straight (or too nappy), it goes on and on. We get these contradictory and conflicting concepts of beauty that change from season to season. We are told that it is not OK to get older, and definitely not OK to look to younger men as we get older. We learn to hate to look in the mirror, and more readily catalogue our flaws than our assets. It was because of all these things that I felt it was important to try and take my clothes off. For me it was like I would be keeping my clothes on because of how I had been told I should feel about my body.

I tried to talk some of this out with Charles, which really helped clear my head about it. But it wasn’t until rehearsal on Thursday that I really came to grips with it. As we were laying on the floor, my mind got “as clear as country air” and I just started stripping. For me it was really an act of defiance, and of affirmation. It is such a strong unspoken statement to stand naked in front of people. I immediately noticed a difference in myself afterwards. I was so proud of myself for doing it, but I also felt like I was reaffirming who I am and that I am completely comfortable with who I am at this time. Just from taking off my clothes! It was like all my limitations and shame were part of that clothing that I wore, and removing the clothes put those things into perspective. Ultimately, we are the only ones living our lives and it is a terrible waste to limit ourselves based on others’ perceptions and judgments. By putting my clothes aside, I put aside every barrier to accessing my true self. Where is there to hide when you’re naked?

I envision that by the start of the show, “Where Do I Go” will be an act of deliberation and sacredness for me. It has occurred to me that if I can be naked and vulnerable and proud, there is no reason that I cannot reach my full potential of artistic expression. If I could silence the considerably persistent inner critic that harangues me constantly about my body image, I can silence her about anything. I had heard that Hair was a life-changing experience but I didn’t really realize how deeply it would affect me. Thanks, Scott, for letting me be a part of this.

On My Mind Right Now

I thought I was over this, but I'm not. I still have a fair amount of baggage around being a performing artist. I think that this issue is rising up now because I ran into an old friend of my mom's yesterday at the gas station and when I spoke to him, it became clear that he was just going through the motions and was far too busy (or important?) to really talk to me. I mean, he asked me had I "done anything with the violin recently" and as I was going to tell him, he just totally ignored me and was saying "uh huh, uh huh". Why bother asking me if he didn't really care? Many times when people find out that I am a violinist they ask if I am in the symphony, because then that validates being a violinist as far as they are concerned. I almost feel like the only thing that would have made him pay attention is if I was doing some "valid violin" activity like the symphony. Anyway, clearly this started to fester because today I am thinking about something that happened on my day job like a year ago!

Another employee basically said that I am not a real artist/musician because I'm still working for the company, that if I was really any good, why would I still have a day job?. It wounded me so deeply! I still can't believe that it cut that badly but it did. Now I realize that it hurt so badly because he voiced my deepest fears.

I have agonized for years over not finishing college and also not being a full-time musician. When I was first offered my current job, I really struggled with the idea of having a day job, because up until that point I was working temp gigs. I liked the freedom of it, and committing to a full-time job was very frightening. Plus, I really felt that I would never be able to make music again. That didn't turn out to be true, but it felt like my reality then. I just never wanted to be designated a "weekend warrior" instead of a "real" musician -- I saw the thinly veiled contempt many musicians had for those player who worked during the day and only played gigs on the weekend.

But what is a "real" musician? I think that's where my problem is. There is no way that I could meet everyone's ideal of what this is -- for some, it's the folks who have million dollar record deals, and tour around the world; for others, it's the jazz artists who can play Coltrane backwards and forwards; for still others, there are "singers" and there are "musicians" and never the twain shall meet. My point being that if I can't measure up on everyone's yardstick, why have I wasted all this time agonizing over it? This is the only life I have, and I am ashamed to say that I have spent well over half of it worried about the perceptions of others. My goal for this week: throw away the yardstick and the crap that comes with it.

Ain't Got No...

Time, apparently. I have not accomplished one single solitary thing that I have wanted to in the last few weeks. It seems that I just don't have enough time. Yes, wah, wah, I know I have the same 24 hours that everyone else does, but it seems that I have just enough time to work and go to rehearsal and sleep. I have been trying to get up earlier in the morning so I can start my day sooner, but so far that has not worked at all. I have just gotten really good at getting up early to turn the alarm clock off and go back to sleep.

Aargh, I am frustrated too because I don't have everything as well-memorized as I should at this point in time. So much of what we say in this show just doesn't make sense to me. I don't mean that we are speaking gibberish, but none of it connects for me at this point. I am trying to memorize the "Aint Got No" lyrics and at this point I would stand a better chance of singing "The Star Spangled Banner" in Chinese. Backwards. While juggling flaming knives. On a tricycle. You get the idea. Anyway, I just wanted to vent for a bit. I should probably be able to post more as we get through the 2nd act blocking (tonight is the 1st act run-through). I won't whine about not having enough time anymore, I promise.

Three Rehearsals In, Just the Beginning

We started rehearsals for Hair last Thursday. We rehearse on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, but let me tell you that with this show that doesn't seem like nearly enough. There are at least a hundred songs in this musical! OK, maybe not that many but it feels like it. Even though some of them are very short, they are dense with wordplay. And not necessarily logical wordplay. Try stream-of-consciousness political hippie satire laced with LSD and a sprinkling of pot, if you get my drift. All I'm saying is, Holy cow, where in my brain pan is all of this stuff going to fit?

I haven't really gotten to know many of the cast members that I didn't already know from other New Line productions, and I think that everyone is just concentrating on learning the music so we haven't been terribly social with one another. I know that as time passes and we get a chance to hang out that this will change. The cast seems very diverse to me and I'm curious to see how everyone responds to the material. I know that everyone has their comfort zone, but so much of this play is just plain outside of everyone's comfort zone! I didn't know that many of the songs coming into this, so I was really rocked by some of the lyrics. But taken in context, the lyrics have to be strong to convey their message. And speaking of comfort zones, I have to say that it will be interesting to see how we all gel together as a tribe. Especially since some of us will be naked.

There. I said it. Yes, I know it's for a relatively small segment of a song, but hey, it's on my mind. Yes, I know it's optional. But I said that if I made it in the cast I would at least make an effort to take off some clothes. I am still not sure about the full monty, though. I think either it will feel right or it won't.

My expectation for Hair is that it will push my buttons, raise some deep issues and make me evaluate everything about myself. So far I have not been disappointed, as the top issues at the forefront of my mind are acceptance of both my physical and artistic self. Funny that I have tried to desperately pummel both into shape over the course of my life. I have started The Artist's Way (by Julia Cameron) for the fourth time (I still haven't made it out of week 1 of 12). I expect some transformative things to come out if it this time, especially as I continue working on Hair.

I don't think this blog is going to be anything like my High Fidelity blog at all, and it may not make any sense to anyone but me, but I am going to try and faithfully log everything that I can during this experience. To that end, I am posting a sort of "transformation to-do list" that I would like to manifest while working on this production. Not that Hair is the only means to this transformation, but it is definitely one of the catalysts. Talk to you soon.

Nikki's Transformation To Do List

1. To discover the true nature of my artistic self and express it without fear or reservation.
2. To truly accept myself for who I am.
3. To gain a better definition of the life that I want to live.
4. To rediscover my spiritual self and re-integrate it into my daily life.
5. To express more love in more ways, each day.