I thought I was over this, but I'm not. I still have a fair amount of baggage around being a performing artist. I think that this issue is rising up now because I ran into an old friend of my mom's yesterday at the gas station and when I spoke to him, it became clear that he was just going through the motions and was far too busy (or important?) to really talk to me. I mean, he asked me had I "done anything with the violin recently" and as I was going to tell him, he just totally ignored me and was saying "uh huh, uh huh". Why bother asking me if he didn't really care? Many times when people find out that I am a violinist they ask if I am in the symphony, because then that validates being a violinist as far as they are concerned. I almost feel like the only thing that would have made him pay attention is if I was doing some "valid violin" activity like the symphony. Anyway, clearly this started to fester because today I am thinking about something that happened on my day job like a year ago!
Another employee basically said that I am not a real artist/musician because I'm still working for the company, that if I was really any good, why would I still have a day job?. It wounded me so deeply! I still can't believe that it cut that badly but it did. Now I realize that it hurt so badly because he voiced my deepest fears.
I have agonized for years over not finishing college and also not being a full-time musician. When I was first offered my current job, I really struggled with the idea of having a day job, because up until that point I was working temp gigs. I liked the freedom of it, and committing to a full-time job was very frightening. Plus, I really felt that I would never be able to make music again. That didn't turn out to be true, but it felt like my reality then. I just never wanted to be designated a "weekend warrior" instead of a "real" musician -- I saw the thinly veiled contempt many musicians had for those player who worked during the day and only played gigs on the weekend.
But what is a "real" musician? I think that's where my problem is. There is no way that I could meet everyone's ideal of what this is -- for some, it's the folks who have million dollar record deals, and tour around the world; for others, it's the jazz artists who can play Coltrane backwards and forwards; for still others, there are "singers" and there are "musicians" and never the twain shall meet. My point being that if I can't measure up on everyone's yardstick, why have I wasted all this time agonizing over it? This is the only life I have, and I am ashamed to say that I have spent well over half of it worried about the perceptions of others. My goal for this week: throw away the yardstick and the crap that comes with it.
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5 comments:
Regardless of your employment status, if you're an artist, you're an artist. It's not about time or money -- it's about do you need to make art deep down in your soul, do you want to share it with an audience, and do you take the work seriously. That's the real measure of an artist.
I've had people make comments about me in the same manner. re: I teach because I couldn't "make it". Not realizing that I teach because I LOVE teaching. It was my chosen path. I think much of it is jealousy. So many people have nothing in their lives that make them truly happy. They see artists such as yourself as a reminder of that fact.
You just have to know that your are blessed with talents that give yourself and others joy. How amazing is that? What does the jerk at your work do to bring others up? Not much...
Hang in there Queen HotTaTas.
You are loved!
I totally understand. I have a degree in Theatre Performance but I don't make my living by performing. I work in a theatre by selling tickets. It pays the bills. I used to beat myself up that I didn't pursue and acting career but not any more. There are people in my life that just don't get it. I am living my dream every time i do a show and get a reaction from the audience. You are great!
T. Love
I imagine that a lot of 'weekend warriors' are in your same dilemma. I myself went through it just a couple of months ago when I chose a theatre gig over my 9-5. It was a tough decision but I felt really good about it in the end. But like Scott said, and like Robin said, and like Terry said it's all in how your art makes you feel and the impact you have on other people. And besides, not many people can say patrons pay to come see their talent!
It's crazy times when monetary gain is what equates artistic success for most people. It's the old joke: "How do you get an actor/singer/writer/poet/philosopher off your doorstep? Pay for the pizza." One of my closest friends is a wonderful jazz pianist, but he makes his living entirely off of gigs (mostly wedding). By a lot of people's standards, though, he's wholly successful in his art. However, ask him how happy he is playing "Brown Eyed Girl" every Friday and Saturday. It's hard to explain to people that just because we make our money doing one thing, that's not who we are.
For the record, I think you're a total rock star :)
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