Rick-Rolled and Naked at Last

I apologize for not updating this blog sooner. Scott has given us gentle reminders that we need to keep our entries current, but it has been difficult to find the time to sit down for long enough to record any coherent thoughts about anything. So, this may be a long one for you, Gentle Reader. Stick it out as long as you can, because I have a lot on my mind and I’m ready to share it with you.

We are now in the final stages of rehearsals for Hair. We open in just about two weeks (okay, 13 days), and it has been such a huge amount of work in a short time. We built the sets and started painting over the course of two days and we’ll be finishing it this weekend. It is going to look so completely cool. I pitched in as much as I could during the “build-in”. I got to draw these flowers all over the floor and also on foam cutouts, which I then got to attack with a jigsaw. I think I am now “Jigsaw Certified”, I could probably cut out dodecahedrons with utter skill and panache. I am looking forward to showing Charles every single thing on the set that I had a hand in creating, like a kindergartner on Parent’s Day. I also got to listen to way more 60’s music than I ever heard in my life. Todd was both enthusiastic and encouraging as we created his vision of the set -- he was a real joy to work with for my first experience of the “tech” side of theater.

It has also been wonderful to spend time hanging out with the tribe outside of rehearsals. Even though we see each other for so much of the week, I think it’s cool that we can still go chill out together too. After the Saturday build-in Zak offered to make us all dinner so we went over and had a fantastic meal. This is really the sense of community that I was looking for. I like to be around people who are artistic and unafraid to be themselves. I have become increasingly aware of the dual nature that is required of me in balancing work with art as this production progresses. I am a different person out of necessity in my work environment. I don’t mean a different personality, but rather a modified persona. It’s funny, when I started this job I thought that it wouldn’t change me, that I would still be myself. Now that I am involved in the theatre, I see that work is a role just like anything else. This is a very important concept for my personal well-being: I am not defined by my job. I have Hair to thank for helping me to realize that.

I have to give a special shout-out to Aaron. We went out on Wednesday to karaoke at Corwin’s, which was just great. Basically it was New Line Takes Over Karaoke Night. We just sang what we wanted to and supported each other with lots of cheering and shouting and some boob-flashing (thanks Ryan). Aaron introduced us to “Rick-Rolling”, which was his spot-on impression of Rick Astley singing “Never Gonna Give You Up”. Not only was it incredibly hilarious, but the DJ running the karaoke night actually recorded it and emailed it to Aaron, who distributed it to all of us. I want to do something fun with it, but I'm not sure what just yet.

Now Thursday was a big deal night for me because I made that my deadline for Naked or Not. When I auditioned for Hair I knew that I wanted to at least try taking off my clothes. No big deal, I told myself all through rehearsals, and really just tried not to think about it. Scott had told us that by Thursday we really needed to decide if we were going to be doing it or not. I talked again with my husband about it earlier this week, because I felt like in addition to my own issues with nudity, I was getting everyone else’s issues with it too. People would tell Charles to tell me to keep my clothes on, or ask him, “she’s not going to do the nude part, right?”.

It was then that I realized how brainwashed we all are about our own bodies. In America, one can turn on the television and see depraved acts of violence and psychological torture for entertainment (Hostel, Saw, Wolf Creek, anyone?), but nudity or sex? No way. We have such a shame about sex and about our bodies. As women, we are bombarded with messages from all forms of media that we are not thin enough, our breasts are not big enough (or too big), our hair is too long (or too short), our hair is too straight (or too nappy), it goes on and on. We get these contradictory and conflicting concepts of beauty that change from season to season. We are told that it is not OK to get older, and definitely not OK to look to younger men as we get older. We learn to hate to look in the mirror, and more readily catalogue our flaws than our assets. It was because of all these things that I felt it was important to try and take my clothes off. For me it was like I would be keeping my clothes on because of how I had been told I should feel about my body.

I tried to talk some of this out with Charles, which really helped clear my head about it. But it wasn’t until rehearsal on Thursday that I really came to grips with it. As we were laying on the floor, my mind got “as clear as country air” and I just started stripping. For me it was really an act of defiance, and of affirmation. It is such a strong unspoken statement to stand naked in front of people. I immediately noticed a difference in myself afterwards. I was so proud of myself for doing it, but I also felt like I was reaffirming who I am and that I am completely comfortable with who I am at this time. Just from taking off my clothes! It was like all my limitations and shame were part of that clothing that I wore, and removing the clothes put those things into perspective. Ultimately, we are the only ones living our lives and it is a terrible waste to limit ourselves based on others’ perceptions and judgments. By putting my clothes aside, I put aside every barrier to accessing my true self. Where is there to hide when you’re naked?

I envision that by the start of the show, “Where Do I Go” will be an act of deliberation and sacredness for me. It has occurred to me that if I can be naked and vulnerable and proud, there is no reason that I cannot reach my full potential of artistic expression. If I could silence the considerably persistent inner critic that harangues me constantly about my body image, I can silence her about anything. I had heard that Hair was a life-changing experience but I didn’t really realize how deeply it would affect me. Thanks, Scott, for letting me be a part of this.