Rick-Rolled and Naked at Last

I apologize for not updating this blog sooner. Scott has given us gentle reminders that we need to keep our entries current, but it has been difficult to find the time to sit down for long enough to record any coherent thoughts about anything. So, this may be a long one for you, Gentle Reader. Stick it out as long as you can, because I have a lot on my mind and I’m ready to share it with you.

We are now in the final stages of rehearsals for Hair. We open in just about two weeks (okay, 13 days), and it has been such a huge amount of work in a short time. We built the sets and started painting over the course of two days and we’ll be finishing it this weekend. It is going to look so completely cool. I pitched in as much as I could during the “build-in”. I got to draw these flowers all over the floor and also on foam cutouts, which I then got to attack with a jigsaw. I think I am now “Jigsaw Certified”, I could probably cut out dodecahedrons with utter skill and panache. I am looking forward to showing Charles every single thing on the set that I had a hand in creating, like a kindergartner on Parent’s Day. I also got to listen to way more 60’s music than I ever heard in my life. Todd was both enthusiastic and encouraging as we created his vision of the set -- he was a real joy to work with for my first experience of the “tech” side of theater.

It has also been wonderful to spend time hanging out with the tribe outside of rehearsals. Even though we see each other for so much of the week, I think it’s cool that we can still go chill out together too. After the Saturday build-in Zak offered to make us all dinner so we went over and had a fantastic meal. This is really the sense of community that I was looking for. I like to be around people who are artistic and unafraid to be themselves. I have become increasingly aware of the dual nature that is required of me in balancing work with art as this production progresses. I am a different person out of necessity in my work environment. I don’t mean a different personality, but rather a modified persona. It’s funny, when I started this job I thought that it wouldn’t change me, that I would still be myself. Now that I am involved in the theatre, I see that work is a role just like anything else. This is a very important concept for my personal well-being: I am not defined by my job. I have Hair to thank for helping me to realize that.

I have to give a special shout-out to Aaron. We went out on Wednesday to karaoke at Corwin’s, which was just great. Basically it was New Line Takes Over Karaoke Night. We just sang what we wanted to and supported each other with lots of cheering and shouting and some boob-flashing (thanks Ryan). Aaron introduced us to “Rick-Rolling”, which was his spot-on impression of Rick Astley singing “Never Gonna Give You Up”. Not only was it incredibly hilarious, but the DJ running the karaoke night actually recorded it and emailed it to Aaron, who distributed it to all of us. I want to do something fun with it, but I'm not sure what just yet.

Now Thursday was a big deal night for me because I made that my deadline for Naked or Not. When I auditioned for Hair I knew that I wanted to at least try taking off my clothes. No big deal, I told myself all through rehearsals, and really just tried not to think about it. Scott had told us that by Thursday we really needed to decide if we were going to be doing it or not. I talked again with my husband about it earlier this week, because I felt like in addition to my own issues with nudity, I was getting everyone else’s issues with it too. People would tell Charles to tell me to keep my clothes on, or ask him, “she’s not going to do the nude part, right?”.

It was then that I realized how brainwashed we all are about our own bodies. In America, one can turn on the television and see depraved acts of violence and psychological torture for entertainment (Hostel, Saw, Wolf Creek, anyone?), but nudity or sex? No way. We have such a shame about sex and about our bodies. As women, we are bombarded with messages from all forms of media that we are not thin enough, our breasts are not big enough (or too big), our hair is too long (or too short), our hair is too straight (or too nappy), it goes on and on. We get these contradictory and conflicting concepts of beauty that change from season to season. We are told that it is not OK to get older, and definitely not OK to look to younger men as we get older. We learn to hate to look in the mirror, and more readily catalogue our flaws than our assets. It was because of all these things that I felt it was important to try and take my clothes off. For me it was like I would be keeping my clothes on because of how I had been told I should feel about my body.

I tried to talk some of this out with Charles, which really helped clear my head about it. But it wasn’t until rehearsal on Thursday that I really came to grips with it. As we were laying on the floor, my mind got “as clear as country air” and I just started stripping. For me it was really an act of defiance, and of affirmation. It is such a strong unspoken statement to stand naked in front of people. I immediately noticed a difference in myself afterwards. I was so proud of myself for doing it, but I also felt like I was reaffirming who I am and that I am completely comfortable with who I am at this time. Just from taking off my clothes! It was like all my limitations and shame were part of that clothing that I wore, and removing the clothes put those things into perspective. Ultimately, we are the only ones living our lives and it is a terrible waste to limit ourselves based on others’ perceptions and judgments. By putting my clothes aside, I put aside every barrier to accessing my true self. Where is there to hide when you’re naked?

I envision that by the start of the show, “Where Do I Go” will be an act of deliberation and sacredness for me. It has occurred to me that if I can be naked and vulnerable and proud, there is no reason that I cannot reach my full potential of artistic expression. If I could silence the considerably persistent inner critic that harangues me constantly about my body image, I can silence her about anything. I had heard that Hair was a life-changing experience but I didn’t really realize how deeply it would affect me. Thanks, Scott, for letting me be a part of this.

On My Mind Right Now

I thought I was over this, but I'm not. I still have a fair amount of baggage around being a performing artist. I think that this issue is rising up now because I ran into an old friend of my mom's yesterday at the gas station and when I spoke to him, it became clear that he was just going through the motions and was far too busy (or important?) to really talk to me. I mean, he asked me had I "done anything with the violin recently" and as I was going to tell him, he just totally ignored me and was saying "uh huh, uh huh". Why bother asking me if he didn't really care? Many times when people find out that I am a violinist they ask if I am in the symphony, because then that validates being a violinist as far as they are concerned. I almost feel like the only thing that would have made him pay attention is if I was doing some "valid violin" activity like the symphony. Anyway, clearly this started to fester because today I am thinking about something that happened on my day job like a year ago!

Another employee basically said that I am not a real artist/musician because I'm still working for the company, that if I was really any good, why would I still have a day job?. It wounded me so deeply! I still can't believe that it cut that badly but it did. Now I realize that it hurt so badly because he voiced my deepest fears.

I have agonized for years over not finishing college and also not being a full-time musician. When I was first offered my current job, I really struggled with the idea of having a day job, because up until that point I was working temp gigs. I liked the freedom of it, and committing to a full-time job was very frightening. Plus, I really felt that I would never be able to make music again. That didn't turn out to be true, but it felt like my reality then. I just never wanted to be designated a "weekend warrior" instead of a "real" musician -- I saw the thinly veiled contempt many musicians had for those player who worked during the day and only played gigs on the weekend.

But what is a "real" musician? I think that's where my problem is. There is no way that I could meet everyone's ideal of what this is -- for some, it's the folks who have million dollar record deals, and tour around the world; for others, it's the jazz artists who can play Coltrane backwards and forwards; for still others, there are "singers" and there are "musicians" and never the twain shall meet. My point being that if I can't measure up on everyone's yardstick, why have I wasted all this time agonizing over it? This is the only life I have, and I am ashamed to say that I have spent well over half of it worried about the perceptions of others. My goal for this week: throw away the yardstick and the crap that comes with it.

Ain't Got No...

Time, apparently. I have not accomplished one single solitary thing that I have wanted to in the last few weeks. It seems that I just don't have enough time. Yes, wah, wah, I know I have the same 24 hours that everyone else does, but it seems that I have just enough time to work and go to rehearsal and sleep. I have been trying to get up earlier in the morning so I can start my day sooner, but so far that has not worked at all. I have just gotten really good at getting up early to turn the alarm clock off and go back to sleep.

Aargh, I am frustrated too because I don't have everything as well-memorized as I should at this point in time. So much of what we say in this show just doesn't make sense to me. I don't mean that we are speaking gibberish, but none of it connects for me at this point. I am trying to memorize the "Aint Got No" lyrics and at this point I would stand a better chance of singing "The Star Spangled Banner" in Chinese. Backwards. While juggling flaming knives. On a tricycle. You get the idea. Anyway, I just wanted to vent for a bit. I should probably be able to post more as we get through the 2nd act blocking (tonight is the 1st act run-through). I won't whine about not having enough time anymore, I promise.